What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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