don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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