Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
