whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
