Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
