I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
