we have pet lesbian snakes
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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