I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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