It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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