You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
