You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
