Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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