I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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