I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
