I wish my penis had an off switch
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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