If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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