no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
