so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
