1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
