My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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