It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
