God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
