i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
