this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
