yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
