three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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