awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
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When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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