Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You left your underwear on the fireplace
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
