People in love make me want to vomit
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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