I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
