You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
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I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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