Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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