Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
