did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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