Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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