In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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