took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So squirting runs in the family.
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hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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