Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
