Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
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He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
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So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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