his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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