I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
