Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
