Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
