Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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