Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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