i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
