you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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