Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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