Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
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somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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