be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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