I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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