oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
