Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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