Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
