you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
