i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
