I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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