just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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