I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
