I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
