my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
