I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
